Hello xx (I don't even know who is reading this, since this blog has been dead for >1 year!)
It's a public holiday toady - Labour Day. And since I am bored, I thought I shall write something and try and bring back that little piece of hobby I used to have.
We are in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic right now, and Singapore is under "lockdown" mode - we're not allowed to leave the house unless it's to exercise (alone) or do essential stuff eg. grocery shopping. It's a tough time - boring mostly, but at least we're healthy and I have a job,
Oh boy, I started this blog since 2014 when I was in NUS and things have changed so much for me since then. Let me try and summarize some highlights
1) I am a working adult now.
I like (mostly) what I do, and I am earning enough to make myself happy. I think working world is a whole new ball game - your relationships with people are important and there is a lot lesser time for yourself. I used to have these semester breaks where I can just shut down and gallivant around. There's no such thing after you start working full-time. It's either limited annual leaves, or making the choice to slack off during work (which usually comes with guilt shortly after haha).
I would say I am doing pretty ok at work. I am motivated (most of the time), and I just got promoted not too long ago. A rather accelerated promotion - which hopefully means I am surpassing expectations! I earn significantly more than my average peer, and I am comfortable with this lifestyle. The financial freedom helps A LOT, and I guess brings new experiences as well.
2) My social circle changed a lot.
My closest friends now are 8-11 years older than me, and people I met from work. The age gap is (almost) unnoticeable most of the time, but when it comes glaring at you in the face - I sometimes wonder whether I need to start going back to hang out with people of my age group. I love my older sisters, but I also think we are at different places in our lives. While they have already gone through what I went through, I am still making the mistakes they used to made and still very playful. I am trying hard to grow up faster and match their pace, but I also want to enjoy whatever being 25 should bring.
I distanced away from the friends that I used to hang out with so much, and I do miss them. But I also feel this invisible wall that's hanging there which makes it hard to cross. I think it's because we used to have something in common (eg. school) to bring us together, but now that it has sunsetted, there are lesser reasons to naturally meet up. An excuse - but being busy with work has also got into the way. These friends fall down in the priority list, and it's quite sad to think about it. So I just wish they are happy in their lives, and if God plans for it in that manner - we will come back together again one day.
3) Me now
I feel.. OK. Not super fantastic, but enough for me to feel like I can get back. I don't think I am anything amazing, but I do count myself blessed. I need to work on my bad traits - like being stubborn and impatient. And I want to be a kinder person.
Ok, that's all for today hehe. Can't wait for coronavirus to end so that I can travel again :)
Love,
Xinhui
Thursday, 30 April 2020
Monday, 12 November 2018
update
It's been so long since I last did up a post - and so many things have have happened since then.
- I've graduated
- Completed my 43 days long grad trip spanning 10 cities in 3 countries - trying out solo travelling for the first time + travelling w sam again
- I've started work
- I've started giving my parents monthly allowance
- I've broken up
- I've started a new relationship
It's only now that I list it out that I realised how much has happened this year. I recently started reading this book called 'START WITH WHY' and even though it's meant to be a business book, I start to wonder.... What's my WHY?
WHY do I wake up every morning doing what I do?
(haven't found an answer to this)
Meeting sam tonight for dinner at CHIJMES :) Excited that dinner is going to be at such a pretty place!
love,
xinhui
Thursday, 26 April 2018
Death
I lost a dear friend this week, due to a horrible car accident.
Never has the pain of death be made known to me, until now. It hurts so bad, that no words can express this feeling so deep. You have an overwhelming sense of regret, emptiness and disbelief.
Most of it all, I feel sorry towards you Jas. You'll be alive in my heart forever.
I remember when I deleted my IG, you hated it. You said we'll miss out on each others' lives and I said no. I promised to contact you and update you on everything that has happened. I did my best. But it wasn't enough. I realised how much of you I've missed out now. You were a genuine friend who cheered me on throughout it all. Your love for life inspired me in so many ways.
Dear Jas, what is going to happen to all the plans we made together? I am terrified that when I start going to work this July, everything will remind me of the absence of you.
You always will be my P&G bestie, and I'll live my life the way you taught me to - with joy and love. You will be sorely missed, my dancing goddess.
love.
xinhui
Never has the pain of death be made known to me, until now. It hurts so bad, that no words can express this feeling so deep. You have an overwhelming sense of regret, emptiness and disbelief.
Most of it all, I feel sorry towards you Jas. You'll be alive in my heart forever.
I remember when I deleted my IG, you hated it. You said we'll miss out on each others' lives and I said no. I promised to contact you and update you on everything that has happened. I did my best. But it wasn't enough. I realised how much of you I've missed out now. You were a genuine friend who cheered me on throughout it all. Your love for life inspired me in so many ways.
Dear Jas, what is going to happen to all the plans we made together? I am terrified that when I start going to work this July, everything will remind me of the absence of you.
You always will be my P&G bestie, and I'll live my life the way you taught me to - with joy and love. You will be sorely missed, my dancing goddess.
love.
xinhui
Tuesday, 20 March 2018
WHAT SADNESS TAUGHT ME ABOUT MYSELF
Life isn't a bed of roses, and there are moments when I get upset, disappointed, depressed and even hopeless.
Today, one such event made me feel this way.
And reflecting on it, I learnt something about myself that I didn't realise before.
I cry when I am upset. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it came like an little epiphany to me.
"Ah... I cry too" - that sort of moment. I always thought of myself as an optimistic and strong person, always looking for that silver lining. But today, I realised. Sad things get to me too, and I cry about it.
I don't let the people around me know that I am upset. My first reaction is to always play it off. "Oh don't worry about me though! I am ok!" That blatant lie that everyone believed. Even to the person I love the most, I wasn't honest. I didn't know I was like that. I always tell the people around me that they should tell me honestly when they are upset, so that I can comfort them and be there for them. And today I realised, I don't do what I preach. I think I don't tell people I am sad because then, it makes me sadder. And all those words of comfort do no good at all.
I fight my tears back because I don't like to cry in front of people. I turn my head quickly away and divert your attention to something else, so that you don't see me cry. Is this what it means to be shameful of my feelings? I don't know.
Today, I am grateful to understand this version of myself. This side that doesn't come out often, the face that I forgot existed.
love,
xin hui
Today, one such event made me feel this way.
And reflecting on it, I learnt something about myself that I didn't realise before.
I cry when I am upset. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it came like an little epiphany to me.
"Ah... I cry too" - that sort of moment. I always thought of myself as an optimistic and strong person, always looking for that silver lining. But today, I realised. Sad things get to me too, and I cry about it.
I don't let the people around me know that I am upset. My first reaction is to always play it off. "Oh don't worry about me though! I am ok!" That blatant lie that everyone believed. Even to the person I love the most, I wasn't honest. I didn't know I was like that. I always tell the people around me that they should tell me honestly when they are upset, so that I can comfort them and be there for them. And today I realised, I don't do what I preach. I think I don't tell people I am sad because then, it makes me sadder. And all those words of comfort do no good at all.
I fight my tears back because I don't like to cry in front of people. I turn my head quickly away and divert your attention to something else, so that you don't see me cry. Is this what it means to be shameful of my feelings? I don't know.
Today, I am grateful to understand this version of myself. This side that doesn't come out often, the face that I forgot existed.
love,
xin hui
Wednesday, 7 February 2018
ㅅㄹ
Too many times I wished
Too many times I regret
And like a lesson learnt
Your expectations parallel your disappointment
Nothing I would give to forgo this time
Nobody else could fix this puzzle
No better time to meet you
Nothing else could be better about us
Is this the answered prayer?
Everything tells me yes
And so I think to myself, this is what love feels like
And as greedy people are, I have one final plead
That my heart learns to take heart
Reminders that the past doesn’t dictate the future
love,
xinhui
Saturday, 4 February 2017
3 THINGS
Listing three things that made me happy today
1. Going to Tze Wei's house for CNY visiting with Winnie. His parents were warm and friendly, very hospitable and welcoming. We played blackjack and I didn't lose any money, helped uncle win lots of money, and had a fun time.
2. Meeting Gen and Su Lynn today. It's always hard to meet up with these two babes, because they study in different faculties and they need to study a lott :( I always feel happier meeting my BFFs (Charis and Sam too) because they make me feel familiar with myself. It's like back to the good old Sec 4 days when we had each other's constant company, and were always having fun together.
3. Going to Sam's dance concert, CACTUS, and seeing so many young people (just like me) performing happily on stage and loving what they do. It made me remember that my youth only comes once, and I should make the best use of it. Love what I do, and put my heart and soul into it. Celebrate it, and be happy! Canoe Polo to me, now, seems more like a burden than a joy. It used to be my getaway from school, and I wish to bring that feeling back. I want to love the times that I have left with it, and I want to push myself to be the best I can be at it. I hope that not only in my sport, but in every aspect of my life, that I can remember to just do my best and love what I do. Be it finding accounting entries for hedging instruments, going to Canoe Polo trainings, going for interviews, etc etc I hope I remember that everything is an experience I get to keep for life, and I want to make the best out of it. There is no need to be afraid, no need to be so mindful of other people. Just like the performers today who thoroughly enjoyed being on stage, I hope my life can be filled with moments of celebration as well.
And now, I am going to tackle my hedging tutorial! :-)
Love,
xin hui
1. Going to Tze Wei's house for CNY visiting with Winnie. His parents were warm and friendly, very hospitable and welcoming. We played blackjack and I didn't lose any money, helped uncle win lots of money, and had a fun time.
2. Meeting Gen and Su Lynn today. It's always hard to meet up with these two babes, because they study in different faculties and they need to study a lott :( I always feel happier meeting my BFFs (Charis and Sam too) because they make me feel familiar with myself. It's like back to the good old Sec 4 days when we had each other's constant company, and were always having fun together.
3. Going to Sam's dance concert, CACTUS, and seeing so many young people (just like me) performing happily on stage and loving what they do. It made me remember that my youth only comes once, and I should make the best use of it. Love what I do, and put my heart and soul into it. Celebrate it, and be happy! Canoe Polo to me, now, seems more like a burden than a joy. It used to be my getaway from school, and I wish to bring that feeling back. I want to love the times that I have left with it, and I want to push myself to be the best I can be at it. I hope that not only in my sport, but in every aspect of my life, that I can remember to just do my best and love what I do. Be it finding accounting entries for hedging instruments, going to Canoe Polo trainings, going for interviews, etc etc I hope I remember that everything is an experience I get to keep for life, and I want to make the best out of it. There is no need to be afraid, no need to be so mindful of other people. Just like the performers today who thoroughly enjoyed being on stage, I hope my life can be filled with moments of celebration as well.
And now, I am going to tackle my hedging tutorial! :-)
Love,
xin hui
Sunday, 8 January 2017
2016 REFLECTIONS
2016 was honestly the hardest year for me. I have had countless times of breaking down, and losing all my sense of self worth at so many points. School was not easy, training was tiring me out especially since my passion is clouded by other stuff, my friends seem to be so distant, and everything really was just in a mess.
I almost thought I had depression in 2016 haha. I can only hope that I can put a closure to the troubles and walk away stronger from it all. In 2017, I really hope to practice self love and stop worrying about other people so much. I also hope to pick up more speed on my studying and to be able to make myself proud in upcoming canoe polo competitions.
Of course, there were amazing moments in 2016. Travelling to Seoul and Europe, Saturday dinners with my family, fun times spent with friends and some lessons learned.
May 2017 be a fruitful year.
Love,
xinhui
I almost thought I had depression in 2016 haha. I can only hope that I can put a closure to the troubles and walk away stronger from it all. In 2017, I really hope to practice self love and stop worrying about other people so much. I also hope to pick up more speed on my studying and to be able to make myself proud in upcoming canoe polo competitions.
Of course, there were amazing moments in 2016. Travelling to Seoul and Europe, Saturday dinners with my family, fun times spent with friends and some lessons learned.
May 2017 be a fruitful year.
Love,
xinhui
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