I just wanted to write somewhere where people won't ask "is everything ok?" Etc etc
Obviously, everything is not ok. There'll never be a point in my life when EVERYTHING is ok. Some things will be better than others, and some worse than others.
This evening, I keep thinking about my relationship with a friend of mine. To be precise, I can't consider us as friends now. We used to be friendly towards each other and I always had a great time with her by my side. Since 9 March, everything just changed. She stopped talking to me, and started to avoid me. Initially, I was really clueless and I didn't know what happened. A mutual friend told me that she's angry at me about "the things I say about her to other people". Truth be told, I can't remember
a single thing I said about her to someone else. And I love this friend dearly, so I can't imagine myself saying something bad about her to someone else.
It hurts a lot, for many reasons. It hurts because she chose to close me out, instead of talking to me. It hurts because by choosing to close me out, I am left hanging. I am left wondering what went wrong and I feel like the abandoned one. It hurts because there's one less person to look forward seeing to at every training, at every gym session. It hurts the most, because we used to be something. Now, it has amounted to nothing.
It's like the feeling after a break-up. Or maybe even worse, cause my break-ups are usually satisfied with a closure.
"Why don't you try to talk to her?"
I wanted to. And I really tried very hard to. I tried to initiate a conversation many many times. From tapping her shoulder, to asking her if she wanted me to help refill her water bottle, to texting her asking her whether she can return my cap to me etc etc. All I received back were cold responses. All the nonchalant looks, the blatant responses. And it all hurt. It seems like everytime I "tried" to approach her, I just leave feeling a little more helpless each time. Then I stopped trying. I stopped reaching out, and I told myself not to care. Everything today, is what she chose to let it be. She wants it to be this way. And what more can I do then.
But it still hurts. It hurts because when I know she's avoiding me, it makes me wonder what kind of person I am. Who is Xin Hui, and what about her makes someone want to avoid her? It hurts because it's inconvenient. Given the regular trainings we have, it's inevitable that I have to meet her so very often, and it doesn't help that each time we meet, she just avoids eye contact with me completely.
And Everytime I think to myself "Maybe I should try again to talk to her", I get very very scared. I have never felt like this my whole life. And it truly sucks. To undervalue your worth over a person.
I don't hate her. I don't dislike her. I just wished she could have settled the misunderstanding in an upfront manner. If you don't tell me, I'll never know what's going on. I wouldn't know how you feel, and I can't do anything to solve the misunderstanding.
It may look like I am not hurting. And I think that's because there are great and happy things happening in my life at the same time. I have amazing friends by my side, and I am truly thankful for them. But they'll never replace this void that she left. Everyone is special to me, and so is she.
V said "let's see la. Maybe it'll get better" mmhm, that's really all I can do now. I can only wait.
And to the one who's waiting for me. I am sorry. Because part of me knows your wait is going to be futile. And if you feel like how I feel towards her, I am sorry you have to feel like this. I never intended to make anyone feel the same way.
The one who gets left behind hurts a little more.
Love,
Xin Hui
