update

It's been so long since I last did up a post - and so many things have have happened since then.

• I've graduated
• Completed my 43 days long grad trip spanning 10 cities in 3 countries - trying out solo travelling for the first time + travelling w sam again
• I've started work
• I've started giving my parents monthly allowance
• I've broken up
• I've started a new relationship

It's only now that I list it out that I realised how much has happened this year. I recently started reading this book called 'START WITH WHY' and even though it's meant to be a business book, I start to wonder.... What's my WHY?

WHY do I wake up every morning doing what I do? 

(haven't found an answer to this)

Meeting sam tonight for dinner at CHIJMES :) Excited that dinner is going to be at such a pretty place! 

love,

xinhui

Death

I lost a dear friend this week, due to a horrible car accident.

Never has the pain of death be made known to me, until now. It hurts so bad, that no words can express this feeling so deep. You have an overwhelming sense of regret, emptiness and disbelief.

Most of it all, I feel sorry towards you Jas. You'll be alive in my heart forever.

I remember when I deleted my IG, you hated it. You said we'll miss out on each others' lives and I said no. I promised to contact you and update you on everything that has happened. I did my best. But it wasn't enough. I realised how much of you I've missed out now. You were a genuine friend who cheered me on throughout it all. Your love for life inspired me in so many ways.

Dear Jas, what is going to happen to all the plans we made together? I am terrified that when I start going to work this July, everything will remind me of the absence of you.

You always will be my P&G bestie, and I'll live my life the way you taught me to - with joy and love. You will be sorely missed, my dancing goddess.

love.
xinhui

WHAT SADNESS TAUGHT ME ABOUT MYSELF

Life isn't a bed of roses, and there are moments when I get upset, disappointed, depressed and even hopeless.

Today, one such event made me feel this way.

And reflecting on it, I learnt something about myself that I didn't realise before.

I cry when I am upset. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it came like an little epiphany to me.
"Ah... I cry too" - that sort of moment. I always thought of myself as an optimistic and strong person, always looking for that silver lining. But today, I realised. Sad things get to me too, and I cry about it.

I don't let the people around me know that I am upset. My first reaction is to always play it off. "Oh don't worry about me though! I am ok!" That blatant lie that everyone believed. Even to the person I love the most, I wasn't honest. I didn't know I was like that. I always tell the people around me that they should tell me honestly when they are upset, so that I can comfort them and be there for them. And today I realised, I don't do what I preach. I think I don't tell people I am sad because then, it makes me sadder. And all those words of comfort do no good at all.

I fight my tears back because I don't like to cry in front of people. I turn my head quickly away and divert your attention to something else, so that you don't see me cry. Is this what it means to be shameful of my feelings? I don't know.

Today, I am grateful to understand this version of myself. This side that doesn't come out often, the face that I forgot existed.

love,
xin hui

ㅅㄹ

Too many times I wished

Too many times I regret 

And like a lesson learnt 

Your expectations parallel your disappointment 

Nothing I would give to forgo this time

Nobody else could fix this puzzle 

No better time to meet you 

Nothing else could be better about us 

Is this the answered prayer? 

Everything tells me yes 

And so I think to myself, this is what love feels like 

And as greedy people are, I have one final plead

That my heart learns to take heart 

Reminders that the past doesn’t dictate the future 

love,

xinhui