BEFORE I GROW UP

I am incredibly tired having slept for only four hours and spending my whole day out at the zoo with M, but I need to sit down and write this because there is a flood of emotions in my mind right now and if I sleep this feeling away, I don't know if I can ever find it back (note : I am a dedicated write hurhur)

What I really want to write today are goals (?) for myself to hit before I officially turn 21 and enter the daunting adulthood. I think being 21 is beautiful, legit beautiful. But 21 brings its fair share of worries. What if even after 21 years of being on Earth, I cannot come to terms with myself or even put my life in order? Which is why today, I want to come clean with myself and note all the changes, big or small, that I want to commit myself too.

First off, battling my self-esteem issues. Yes yes, I do have self esteem issues. There will be days I feel like a fat pig and look at my soft tummy and scream : WHY CAN'T I HAVE A BODY LIKE MIRANDA KERR?? I will nitpick on my small eyes and look at my deformed fourth finger, and just criticise myself for every single thing I am not happy with. And apart from making consistent effort to change what I can change about myself, I think the ultimate solution is just to love myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself now. But I can definitely learn to love myself better. I need to accept myself for who I am, and be able to love every single inch of myself. And I know it will be hard. I know it will be hard given that in such a superficial world I live in, the skinny girls with perfect porcelain faces and right curves will always be deemed to be MORE beautiful. But since I can't change people's mindset, I can change mine! I can learn to understand beauty in every form, contentment in every being.

Secondly, I want to learn how to treat people better. I want to live a life where I can spend every single day making people I love happy. I want them to feel blessed and know that they will always have me to count on. I want to learn to accept people that I am not comfortable being around. Not everyone who isn't my friend has to be my enemy. Not everyone I am angry at deserves to be condemned by me. And it'll be a big milestone for me if I can treat people sincerely even if I don't like them at the start. Because I think that if I continue bringing my immaturity into adulthood and into the relationships I will build in future, people will lose faith in who I am and I will not be able to know the stories behind faces I see as well. I want to learn how to deal with rejection, how to reject people, in a manner that is mature enough.

Thirdly, I want to start living for myself. No more doing it because "XXX told me this would be better" or "XXX also did this, so I guess I'll do it too" or "XXX will be happy if I do this". NO MORE. I want to start believing in my own reasons and trust myself. I want to find a passion, something I can live everyday doing without feeling fatigue. And I'll continue doing it even if it "does not pay you enough" or "not prestigious enough". Then, when I look back on my life, I will be able to tell myself that "yeah, perhaps I din't earn the most amount of money or lived the most lavish life, but I WAS HAPPY". That is one gift I want to give myself.

Fourthly, I want to love God. I want to worship his name and live in his Glory. I want people to look at me and see that the reason I am living is because He lives in me. This... is one lesson I learnt from my first year in NUS. I have 2 dear friends from NUS, Jynn and Evelyn. From these two amazing people, I finally began to see what it means to live in His name. I saw, through their lives, what it really means to be a Christian. It is not about hanging the cross on your neck everyday. It is about following his words and loving His people as your brother and sister. It is about standing firm in the face of temptation because He is the light upon my path.

I have so much more I want to say, but the most important aspects are up there. And my friends, I need your help. Because, right down to the core, Xin Hui is no more than a drop in the ocean. I have only managed to achieve whatever I have in life, because of the people I am surrounded by. I hope that you can help me. Help me in this journey. And if that means scolding me and making me come to my senses, please do it. I know that one day, I will thank you for helping me grow as well.

To 21 year old Xin Hui, be the best version of yourself. Promise.

Love,
Xin Hui